Once Upon a Pretender and other Pretender Tales
by Rainbowscape
Summary: The Pretender becomes a fairy tale. A spoof of the Pretender's first and second season as well as other Pretender parodies.
1. Once Upon a Pretender

**DISCLAIMER:**_ The characters of the Pretender television series are the property of MTM Entertainment and NBC Productions. The rest belong to Disney and the Grimm brothers (whoever owns them now.) The allusion to Sliders is the property of Universal Pictures and St. Claire Ent. Everything is used without permission. It is a parody and spoof of the series, soif you're looking for a laugh, read this!!! It was inspired by the fact that November 1st, 1997 seems to be taking soooo long to get here. (_Written in 1997)

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**Once Upon a Pretender**

Once upon a time, in a land faraway--(Hey! Who am I kidding?) Not so long ago in Blue Cove, Delaware there was a kingdom called the Centre. Its intentions were good, but somehow everything turned sour and soon its main purpose was to make money by illegal means. In 1963--you know the story--they isolated a young pretender named Jarod and exploited his genius for their research. Then one day, their Pretender ran away.

Angelo, the good dwarf, had warned Jarod his simulations were being put to no good and said, "Run, Jarod. Run away and never return!"

Of course, the wicked King Raines would have none of that and he sent out his hound dog named Miss Parker and Jarod's ex-keeper Sydney, saying, "I won't rest until his head is mounted on my wall!!!"

They would have caught up with Jarod soon, if only that awful hurricane, hadn't come up and blown their flying carpet off course. Curses, foiled again!

Meanwhile, Jarod discovered that instead of an ugly duckling, he was a beautiful swan and he could use his skills to help others. And joy of joys, he found his mother had sent him a basket of goodies to take to grandma, but it was full of Pez and Bazooka Joe gum and soon the basket was empty. Kyle came and joined Jarod and their sister, Emily, as they went out into the world to lead normal lives and seek their fortunes. They didn't give sticks or straw a second look, but had a brand new brick house built smack dab on Malibu beach.

Who, then, came rapping on their door?

"Boy Wonder, Boy Wonder, let me come in," Miss Parker snarled.

"Not by your red hair...You can't come in," smirked Jarod.

"Then, the sweepers will come and they'll blow your house in!!" Miss Parker threatened.

Then, Sydney added to the plea, "Please Jarod, the money-grubbing, powerful, evil and wicked corporation known as The Centre won't hurt you. They'll just welcome you home."

"Don't do me any favors, Sydney. You've done enough already," Jarod retorted.

"Why don't you let 'em in, Jarod?" asked Kyle. Then, he smiled, "I'll decide who lives or dies...oops...force of habit."

Emily simply pretended she wasn't there.

"Jarod!" Miss Parker called, warningly. "I liked the bunny you gave me and I know we were friends when we were little and I really don't want to catch you but forgive me, It's my job. I mustn't disappoint Daddy!!! I'm counting to three...one, two..."

All of this may have ended rather unpleasantly if it weren't for--KA-BOOM!

"I don't understand it," Broots said, staring at the scrolling numbers on his computer screen. "The shot aimed at the house seems to have impacted King Raines' oxygen tank. Looks like he'll be out of commission for awhile. Hmm...wonder how that could have happened?"

But with Raines out, Mr. Parker ends up having to deal with the new ruler who at last had decided to come down from the Tower and reveal himself as Mr. Lyle.

WHOOSH! Jarod, Emily, and Kyle are swept out of harm's way by a cyclone that came up suddenly and deposited the brand new brick house of Malibu in Oz. Perhaps our weary pretenders should find refuge in this land of Oz.

But then, who should have appear on the scene???

"I'll get you my genius and your little red notebook, too!"

It was the notorious new hiree of the Centre...the one everyone had never expected to appear until November first. Yes, she stalked in on the 20th of September* and joined the Adventure. She's British. She's blonde. She's bad. She's BRIGITTE!

Emily knew what to do. She found the ruby red slippers, clicked her heels together three times, and said, "There's no place like home." Whereupon at once, she vanished back to home and to the elusive parents which Jarod would still have to find.

Kyle opened a porthole and slid into a dimension where he ended up in a parallel universe of suspended animation where no one knows whether he's alive or dead. ( I wouldn't worry about it too much though, not if he's still deciding who lives or dies.)

And what about Jarod? Well, he is THE PRETENDER, isn't he? So in this mixed up crazy world of characters, fairy tales and fiction, everyone gets to live happily ever after. Until November first, that is. ;)

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* _The Pretender website run by NBC had a Pretender Adventure game which introduced the character of Brigitte on September 20th before the new episodes of Pretender with Brigitte began to air._


	2. Brigitte Behind Bars

**DISCLAIMER:**The characters Brigitte, Miss Parker, Mr. Lyle, Sydney, and Broots are the property of MTM Entertainment and NBC Productions from the television dramatic series "The Pretender" and are used without permission for the purposes of parody. It's for a laugh, don't take it seriously! (1998)

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BRIGITTE BEHIND BARS

Miss Parker's cell phone rang. "What? What is it, Broots? Really? Now this I've got to see!" She snapped the phone shut.

Ten minutes later, the Centre car drove up to a formidable building and Miss Parker, Broots, and Sydney hopped out of the car and ran inside, through the gates, and into the building.

"Stay put," Miss Parker said, leaving Sydney and Broots in the waiting area.

In another moment, Miss Parker entered the cell block and came face to face with Brigitte behind bars. The cleaner rose at her approach, twirling a red sucker in her left hand.

"Well, it's about time, luv!" Brigitte said, pacing inside her cage.

Miss Parker smirked at her. "Time for what?"

"Time I got out of here!" Brigitte said, stressing the words in her British accent. "Well," she eyed Miss Parker, suspiciously. "Aren't you the least bit surprised?"

"Should I be?"

"Aren't you the least bit curious to know how I got in here?"

Miss Parker's grin widened. "You were arrested by the fashion police?"

"That pesky Pretender got me arrested for carrying a concealed weapon."

"Been there. Done that." Miss Parker looked at the police report. "You failed to mention resisting arrest."

Brigitte stared back through the bars at Miss Parker incredulously. "Don't just stand there. You are here to bail me out?"

"Oh, I don't know," Miss Parker said, picking up a familiar red notebook. "If I spend anymore time here I might lose the trail."

"Lose the trail!" Brigitte was miffed. "Hound dog!" she cried.

"Watch dog!" Miss Parker retorted.

"Dragon lady!" Brigitte countered. She bit down hard on her candy.

Miss Parker arched an eyebrow. "Sucker!"

Brigitte pulled the red sucker from her mouth and threw it through the bars at Miss Parker.

Miss Parker calmly stepped out of the way of the flying piece of candy. It landed harmlessly on the cement floor. "Oh, officer!" Miss Parker called. "You certain you took all the concealed weapons away from Princess Try Hard? You never can tell."

"What are you trying to do to me, luv?" Brigitte asked. Then, she switched to a different tactic, smiled slyly and said, "Come now Parker, we're on the same side." Brigitte peered through the bars of her cell.

"Well, remember that, Briggy, the next time you're thinking of pointing a gun in my face."

"I'll tell Mr. Lyle of this!" Brigitte shouted as Miss Parker headed for the door.

Miss Parker turned around and laughed. "Don't worry your blonde bonnet over it, Briggy. I'll be happy to tell, Mr. Lyle--the next time I see him. But get a new wardrobe first, _luv_. Orange just isn't your color."


	3. The Pretender Wars

**DISCLAIMER:** This story features the characters of the dramatic television series "The Pretender" which are the property of MTM Entertainment and NBC Productions. Other allusions are credited to Paramount's Star Trek and Lucasfilm's Star Wars. No infringement intended. Another parody and spoof...this time of Season Two. Enjoy! (Copyright 1998)

**Author:** Rainbowscape

**A/N:** The original story was written partly in script format. I edited it to comply with posting guidelines. (2009)

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**THE PRETENDER WARS**  
(1998 & 2009)

Long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away (Oops! Wrong channel) Once again in Blue Cove, Delaware we take up the story of that Empire known as the Centre and the evil emperor Mr. Lyle (who through unseen Tower connections had himself promoted from king to emperor). With his blonde sidekick, Brigitte, he was making everyone work overtime including the hound dog named Miss Parker, the former keeper named Sydney and their faithful companion with the ability to speak the language of computers dubbed with the title of Mr. Broots. (Add this intrepid team up and what do you get?? The three stooges.)

And why did the emperor order this unseemly overworked and underpaid policy? All in their quest to find Jarod...the one it was foretold could end it all for Emperor Lyle. (Not to mention it was Centre law.)

Meanwhile, Jarod was still trying to find his parents and he had finally completed his training in being a Pretender--It was a trial and error course. He went to the wise Yodda and discovered Spiderman comics, ice cream was STILL good, Catherine Parker's diary, and to never ever underestimate the bad guy because you might get konked over the head and end up with an episode of amnesia. OUCH!

Mr. Parker and King Raines used the force of 10 million dollars to oust Emperor Lyle from his throne, while the sidekick Brigitte decided to do away with Mr. Parker. Still believing that Miss Parker could be turned from the forces of evil to the forces of good, Jarod Skywalker warns her of the plot and she quickly puts that to an end. However, Mr. Parker now wants ex-emperor Lyle to be done away with and that job falls into the hands of Princess Parker and thus Jarod's hopes are dashed as she carries out her orders, swearing allegiance to the Centre Empire which is controlled by the Triumvirate.

And now for the thrilling climax....

A narrator's voice cries out. "Beam them in, Scotty!"

Lyle, Kyle, Miss Parker, Sydney, Broots, and Jarod all end up in a backwater town of Arizona.

Lyle grins, "Surprise! And now Miss Parker, you see I'm quite alive and well. Because of my brilliant schemes I'm going to grab Jarod and make my way to controlling the entire Centre Empire. And why stop there? I could rule the world!"

Kyle shook his head. "I decide who lives or dies, I decide!"

Jarod sighs. "No, Kyle. I've just shown you how good it is to help people. Remember?"

Kyle rubs his chin, "Oh yes! Sorry...force of habit."

Miss Parker and Broots say in unison, "Doesn't anyone really die anymore?"

Sydney shrugs, "Apparently not."

Then, in a sudden flash of TV magic, Fenigore appears.

Everyone is shocked. "IGOR!"

Fenigore holds up his hands. "Don't shoot! Don't shoot!"

But he is too late. Shots are fired.

Kyle is hit. Lyle is hit. Fenigore is hit.

But the Centre does an excellent cleanup job and Fenigore is contained, Emperor Lyle disappears once more, and Kyle is whisked away by Jarod to prove the value of his heart.

But who is the Man in the Dark Suit?

Darth Vader's voice comes from offstage. "Jarod! I am your father." All that can be heard now is maniacal laughter.

And here again we leave the Pretender to unravel the threads of this growing mystery. Live long and prosper and may the force be with you. :)


End file.
